Cruise Control: Written by Lindy Woodhead
‘Would you like to be a guest lecturer on a cruise?’ The call came through early last summer and the offer of a ‘leg’ of a world voyage guaranteeing me ten days of glorious sunshine off the coast of Africa when London would be in the midst of a grey, post Christmas slump was enticing.
With cruising now the fastest growing sector of the travel business, literally hundreds of thousands of people are ‘at sea’ for months at a time and they all need to be fed, watered and entertained. All three presented hazards for my husband and myself, both cruise virgins. For starters, the amounts of delicious food on offer proved so prodigious that I can only imagine those on a world cruise need a month in a health farm to loose the weight when they get home. As far as water is concerned – well, if you’ve never sailed before, then waking up as your ship navigates round the Cape of Good Hope on what I thought were mountainous waves can be a shock to the system. As for the entertainment – well, you are the entertainment, or part of it anyway, and it’s a job to be taken seriously.
Therein lies the rub – you’re working but not being paid. Cruise lecturers fall into a mid-category that is hard to define. On the one hand you have ‘passenger status’, on the other you are truly singing for your supper – right down to sometimes being asked to host passenger tables at dinner, which gives you less time to relax than your friends and family back home might imagine. In our case, the experience was delightful, but you are conscious of being ‘on duty’.
Keen competition ensues amongst the three or four on-board lecturer’s for ‘time slots’. Too early and your audience evaporates for the morning line dancing sessions. Too soon after lunch you might survey the room to see a few snoozing off, and too late in the afternoon they are fidgeting to leave for afternoon tea - a particularly sumptuous spread. The trick is to make your lectures as lively as possible and to keep the illustrations flowing. Don’t underestimate your audience. On board our ship (the SAGA Ruby) they were informed, well-read and mightily opinionated. Slackers beware.
My first talk was modestly attended – but my second pretty well full. Talks are filmed and shown on the closed circuit television in all cabins – which fact I only stumbled over when trying to find CNN and seeing myself on screen instead. It seems I passed the ‘TV test’ which meant the passengers came to see me live. If I had known, I would have worn more make-up for the camera!
I had a marvellous time. The afore-mentioned line-dancing tempted my husband to join in what proved to be aerobic exercise par excellence and he chilled down by dabbling in the water-colour class. My free time (you lecture only when ‘at sea’) was spent sun-bathing on deck or having sensational massage and beauty treatments in the spa. Costs are comparable to what you would pay in London, but the experience is all the more relaxing when you simply return to your immaculate cabin afterwards.
Pack your most glamorous wardrobe – dress is ‘formal’ at least twice a week which means black tie and prodigious quantities of jewellery – and for shore-excursions don’t forget comfortable shoes, a sun-hat and insect repellent, curiously none of which were on sale in the on-board shop, although they did a nice line in satin evening bags - and happily for me sold several copies of my book.
While I write this, the cruise director is busy welcoming the next group of lecturers on the world voyage. I envy them.
